on the hush plush

i fucking hate this. i am so sick of this. i fucking hate everything right now, what the hell is the point in anything. i give up. there’s no point in trying anymore. someone save me. and love me. i give up and everything is just fucked up, and i am so sick. and i am not okay. i want to quit. i don’t want to do anything. life has no spark for me. there is no thrill. i have no interest in living loveless. why do i go through this. is it too much to ask for? where are you. where are you—the one who will make me feel better about everything? you don’t exist. i forgot. i won’t find love. i just want it to stop. what’s the point. goodbye. i’m done. fuck.

(10/26/10; SpokenWord. Fresh first draft, unedited.)

When you play your guitar,
I’m suddenly absent from my mundane life
I’m living somewhere else, in the world you envision
Every note you play is a stroke of paint
On this blank canvas known as my heart;
Every strum of your guitar is
just another color and another shade
to the paradise you’ve composed;
Can you see it?
The beautiful kingdom you’ve built;
Every brick formed by a magical smile,
A flawless fantasy, I swear
Can you see it?
    (Or has my heart been too shy
    to open its gates
    for you to witness your creation?)
 
When you play your guitar,
I imagine the taste of your lips
is like the fresh January rain of New Year’s Eve;
sweet and delicate
with rockets enkindling the sky
an evanescence of water and fire;
a flicker of passion and desire;
Every note you play is another firework
igniting the damp midnight sky;
Every strum of your guitar is
another sparkling star
to the shining stratosphere;
Can you see it?
All the blessings you granted to the heavens!
You weaved a seamless blanket
to grace the distant horizon
with your magical smile;
A perfect picture, I swear
Can you see it?
    (Or has my heart been too afraid
    to reveal your reflection
    for you to see?)

When you play your guitar,
will you cast your glance over here?
or will you continue being blind toward my direction?
I know, I’m such a stricken fool
to ever think those songs you sang
were ever meant for me;
But when you sing, I hear the chorus of angels
Surely what I’m witnessing is a masterpiece of God
He sent to earth His perfect child
to walk amongst the mortals with guitar in hand;
He forged you a voice He stole from a seraph
And He crafted an instrument for you to wield
And He sent you as His Prophet,
For you to teach the world what Beautiful means;
Extraordinary,
The way you animate humanity
in a single heartbeat;

When you play your guitar,
The prophecy you sing has no mention of me—
no mention of a hopeless romantic—
because I’m just from a simple illustration;
You have an amazing fate to fulfill,
one that is without me in your realization;
Who am I?
I’m from the panorama of ordinary
from a breed of kids with unclear destinies;
I’m from the silence that listens to harmony,
from the changed souls you’ve left behind;
I’m from the dust of your footsteps
from your trail that left people believing in religion;
For what or who else could have devised such an elegance?

When you played your guitar,
I learned that love isn’t like it is in the fairy tales or story books;
Every song you wrote
is about a beautiful angel;
Each word, every word
you enchanted and the world heard;
This poem I wrote
is about a beautiful angel;
Each word, every word
I secretly dedicate to you.

(10/24/10. Lyrical. Fresh first draft. I feel like I could’ve done way better but oh well… Also, I wish I could write & sing my own songs. Grr, I lack the vocal talent to do so.)

Hey there pretty face,
I don’t usually see your kind in a place like this—
what’s your name, where you from?
You don’t often see a smile like that here—
What happened to all the lights and colors?
Right now all I see is you,
Here, I’ll show you how this works;

Baby you look so lost but you’ve been found,
Take my hand so I can show you around—
Just move with the beat and jam with the score
There aren’t any rules on the dancefloor,
so go ahead, bounce and grind past midnight
No need to be shy, there’s no wrong or right;
Forget the past, right now it’s you and me;
Dance, dance, don’t be afraid to fall in love;
‘cause I’m here to catch you,
I’ll be here to catch you
I just wanna catch you
Feel free to fall for me;
I’ll be here to catch you

You don’t gotta be scared,
You’ve just gotta let go
Of your heartbroken past;
I’ll hold you together,
Will kisses make you strong?
Teach me your desires,
I’ll fulfill your passions;
Flicker these red fires
with your body and move!—

Baby you look so lost but you’ve been found,
Take my hand so I can show you around—
Just move with the beat and jam with the score
There aren’t any rules on the dancefloor,
so go ahead, bounce and grind past midnight
No need to be shy, there’s no wrong or right;
Forget the past, right now it’s you and me;
Dance, dance, don’t be afraid to fall in love;
‘cause I’m here to catch you,
I’ll be here to catch you
I just wanna catch you
Feel free to fall for me;
I’ll be here to catch you
Forget the past, right now it’s you and me;
Dance, dance, don’t be afraid to fall in love;
‘cause I’m here to catch you,
I’ll be here to catch you
I just wanna catch you
Feel free to fall for me;
I’ll be here to catch you

(This is from helluh back in freshman year, LOL. Wow.)

I hate your punk guts!
I won’t deny it
Someone’s gotta do something
About your messed attitude
You think you’re all that
but really you’re just all talk
And I’ve got the stuff
I’ve got the right gear
Drumroll please & let’s begin
I’m putting you in your place

Bitch slap to backhand
Pimp smack to offhand
I think you got owned
‘cause of all these skills
Headshot with shotgun,
Faceshot to face, son!
Whatchya gonna do?
I’m calling you out!
One shot and one kill
look at that bloodspill!
Too much to handle,
Too much to take in,
When I bust this move
And you’ve lost your groove
You should see your face
It’s L-M-A-O

—oh shit! Boy, better blow on that Nintendo cartridge
‘cause I be spitting on your game
Tonight your time’s up
The clock is ticking
You and your bigass ego
have an appointment with me
You can’t always win
Eat it and suck it
The countdown’s starting
Get ready to scream madness
‘cause you can’t handle this shit!
Are you ready to fight? 3, 2, 1—

Uppercut to punch
Combo kick to crunch
Did I just subtract
Five inches from you?
My troops in your base
Burning down your place
Go cry to mommy
‘cause when I’m done here
(boy) I’m level eigh-tay
You’re level shi-tay
You’re telling me what?
And I say these nuts!
(‘cause) While you’re safe in town
I’m taking you down
You think I use hacks?
This is all pure skill!

Better switch Pokémon while you can
‘cause I’m the Squirtle
putting out your flames
I see you trying to make a retreat
but you should know you can’t run away from a boss fight
And I see the horror on your face
when you see that blinking red dot
followed by “Nuclear Launch detected”
You better adjust your glasses
Because yes you’re seeing things right
You may be near the finish line
but you can hear that blue shell coming your way
Next thing you know—BOOM!
And I’m off winning the Grand Prix
Looks like I’m taking the golden trophy
I’m sure you can settle for the bronze one

And breh, come see me at a game of DotA
Just try to take me on in Warcraft III
Choose your hero while I’m going random
I’ll kick your ass with any character
Stock up on supplies
You’re gonna need them
You chug a potion,
You choke on lotion!
You’re out of mana,
I’m full on hit points
Your face is QQ
while I go pew-pew
And now you ask for mercy,
with your bloodshot eyes
You’re begging me “please!”
On your trembling knees

But I give you none,
I hate your punk guts!

Your mom’s making you hot pockets
while I’m shooting homing rockets
Peppy tells you to do a barrel roll!
You say your Z and R buttons don’t work,
and that’s such bullshit! Excuses! Blasphemy!
When I tag you “it”,
you throw a child’s fit!
I pop outta stealth,
You piss in your pants
Ambush! Backstab!
A deep voice shouts “FINISH HIM!”
Sinister Strike! Eviscerate!
Your scanner reads my power level is
over nine-thousand!
And when you see it,
you’ll be shitting bricks!
I taste your defeat,
when you lick my feet!
Savor the flavor,
‘cause I’m dippin’ this chicken nugget in
sweet and sour sauce—
You thought you were such a cool kid,
Thought you could walk around with that swagger
But my rogue finished you with a dagger
You thought fancy big words could win the females,
Instead your dictionary got you epic fails!
This is Dance Dance Revolution
and if you can’t keep the pace,
then you’re outta the game—
don’t even show me your face!
Is this called ownage?
Is this called pwnage?
Please, hell yes it is!
You better believe it,
Believe in it, son!…

… WORD!

(10/6/10; first draft. DualVoice poem. Collaborated work.)

David!
                [*breathe*]
David!
                [Yeah mom! I’m coming.]
David?
        (What’s wrong?)
                [What do you mean what’s wrong?]
Dinner’s ready. It’s your favorite, Lasagna and rice.
                [Oh… that’s nice. But I’m not really hungry.]
But you always have lasagna and rice.
You’ve never said no before.
Is something
        (wrong?)
                [No, not really.]
Are you sure nothing’s
        (wrong?)
                [Yeah. I’m sure.]
David, tell me. You must’ve had a long day.
You were late coming home,
And you have a look of dismay.
Is something amiss?
You know I’m here for you;
I’m here to listen
You know my word is true.
I’ve raised you since birth,
Given you love and adoration;
Be open to me,
And let go of your frustration.
Tell me what’s
        (wrong)
                [Mom… I just need to talk to you.
                It’s something important.]
It’s about school, right?
                [Kind of. But that’s not it.
                I have something I need to admit.]
Okay—well, I want you to eat first
Before your food gets cold.
                [But I have something untold
                I need to get it out.]
Well, what’s it all about?
                [Mom, I have to confess
                something I need to express.
                Know that I love you,
                And my word is true;
                I’ve not changed, I’m no different;
                I just have something new that’s in my way.]
What do you need to say?
                [I need you to understand—
                I need you to withstand—
                Mom, I don’t think I could be the son
                You wanted me to be;]
But you’ll always be perfect to me.
I’m so proud of you,
And my word is true.
                [Mom, what would you do
                if I told you
                that this moment in time may change us forever
                perhaps for the worse or the better;
                And that you may view me with shame,
                And never look at me the same
                And you’ll wonder what you’ve done right or
        (wrong?)
David, please just tell me what this is all about.
You’re filling my head with this worried doubt.
David, are you okay?
What’s
        (wrong?)
                [There’s nothing]
        (wrong)
                [but I need you to be strong.
                ‘cause right now even I’m struggling to say
                those two simple but not-so-simple words.
                I’ve been building strength for this exact day,
                I need to tell you something.]
David, what’s
        (wrong?!)
                [What’s]
        (wrong?!)
                [Mom, I’m gay.]

David…
Your lasagna and rice is getting cold.
                [Mom.]
What would you like for breakfast tomorrow?
                [Mom.]
Tell me about your day. How was school?
                [Mom! did you even hear me at all?]
I think we need to restock on groceries soon.
                [Mom… look at me.]

You’re disgusting and
        (wrong)
                [… wait. What?]
I’ve worked every night and day
I did not raise you to be this way
I’ve fed you food, given you water
I raised you to be a son, not a daughter;
Filthy! Repulsive! Vile!
You’ll never grow up to be worthwhile!
What did I do
        (wrong?)
                [You did nothing]
        (wrong)
Then what have you done
        (wrong)
                [I’m sorry Mom, I didn’t mean]
        (wrong)
Disgusting and
        (wrong!)
                [Mom, I’m sorry!]
No, you’re
        (wrong!)
                [I’m not]
        (wrong!)
Nothing’s the same. This will never be right.
It will always be
It will always be
        (wrong.)

(9/20/10; School Assignment, poem. First draft.)

My name is Michael.
I am creative,
unafraid to take the pen and bleed ink onto paper to contrive life;
I am adventurous,
embarking on epic journeys in just a cardboard box;
I am a blank roll of film,
a visual potential of grandeur and story;
I am the shimmer of a blade,
graceful, deadly, and merciful;
I am the glimmer of daredevil eyes,
spotting chance and seizing opportunity;
I am a heart filled to the top,
nurtured with love and adoration;
I am the adversity of untold affections,
quietly set to the side, unknown;
I am the taste of tactical victory,
the supreme mind in a battle of wits and strategy;
I am an imaginative boy with dreams and aspirations,
My name is Michael.

“Shoes”
(9/16/10; SpokenWord. Second draft.)

I wear shoes that no one else wants to wear,
and that is what makes me stronger than you;
With these shoes
I’ve walked down overwhelming halls and streets full of judging stares and glares,
I’ve ran miles and miles in pursuit of impossible dreams that will never come true,
I’ve stepped up my game, taking risks and knowing rejection was my inevitable fate;
With these shoes,
I’ve walked along the path of my years
and that is what makes me stronger than you.

Why don’t you try walking in these shoes?
Go ahead, walk down the aisle of judgment;
Be careful of your step, don’t trip and fall.
Can you even lift your foot to move forward?
All eyes are bearing down, the weight’s on your shoulder
You swear, I swear, they’re talking about you;
Can you proudly bear the symbol of your people?
With pink triangle branded on forehead, walk!
Don’t try wiping that three-sided shape away;
They say you have it because you’re one of the diseased,
because you’re nothing more than a chemical imbalance,
because at Heaven’s doorways you’ve been denied already;
So with this devious triangle devised in destiny, walk!
You can try and cover it up
with your clothes, with what you wear;
but there’s no changing these shoes,
and there’s no changing this body;
My thin frame gets me labeled already,
and when I speak people judge me then and there,
Just by the way I look, just by the way I sound;
I’m sorry I can’t wipe this damned shape away
This thing that everyone seems to see
the thing that swallows me whole;
Still I’ve found strength to take that first step forward,
and accept the fate bound with these shoes
and that is what makes me stronger than you.

Can you imagine what it feels like to run in these worn and weary shoes?
Too many times I’ve tried running from my shadow,
just to find I could only hide in shadows themselves;
but no one can live in darkness, and thus I’ve been forced
to live in the open, out in the limelight, exposed to everyone;
Count my insecurities, I find many
yet none that no one could ever understand;
Once, I was at the park, and a group of children walked up to me
and with curious faces, asked about my shoes;
I told them they were the shoes of a lavender rhinoceros
and, revolted, the toddlers fled from me, pointing at me,
calling me a monster
calling me a monster
with their disgusted faces
calling me a monster
and what could I do but run away, too?
I ran, not knowing where I was going
just trying to get away from this monster, this monster;
I held a hatred for mirrors,
for fear of the behemoth I’d see in them.
You try running in these shoes!
when all it feels like is circles you’re running,
going nowhere, trying to escape this damnation
And I learned the hard way I can’t run from this monstrosity,
There’s no freedom or liberty from the savage known as myself;
And somehow I’ve still been running,
running just to say that I’m going somewhere
even if somewhere may be nowhere
and that is what makes me stronger than you.

And I dare you to wear these shoes on a Valentine’s Day;
Look around you,
Everywhere you see Romeos and Juliets,
Jacks and Roses,
Lancelots and Guineveres,
Adams and Eves;
A rose for everyone but you.
I’ve fallen in love when I didn’t want to,
And it’s not that easy to land on my feet with shoes like these,
To stand back up after descending down from a cliff
From the ledge he pushed me off,
But he didn’t even know;
And these affections I’ve harbored away and kept secret
And I was washed away in the tides
No, he didn’t even need to give me rejection,
I already knew it wasn’t meant to be
for Cupid is a cruel winged beast for me;
Quietly I slipped back into darkness, running away once more
he’d never know, he’d never know
that Valentine sent to him was from me
and nor would he care, nor would he care
who would ever want to love a monster?
On a Valentine’s Day,
no one has a pair of shoes that matches mine.

There’s so much I’d give to wear someone else’s shoes
but they always seem too big, or too small
and the only shoes that seem to fit are this damned, cursed, bedeviled pair;
and still I have walked,
still I have ran,
still I have surrendered my rainbow heart unwillingly
In these shoes that no one else wants,
In these shoes that only fit me
I have become strong
stronger than you could ever imagine
and I will never toss these beautiful, sublime shoes away.

plushiemikey:

(9/9/10; SpokenWord. Fresh first draft, unedited.)

I wear shoes that no one else wants to wear,
and that is what makes me stronger than you;
With these shoes
I’ve walked down overwhelming halls and streets full of stares and judging glares,
I’ve ran miles and miles in pursuit of impossible dreams that will never come true,
I’ve stepped my game, taking risks and knowing rejection was my inevitable fate;
With these shoes,
I’ve walked
and that is what makes me stronger than you.

Why don’t you try walking in these shoes?
Go ahead, walk down the aisle of judgment;
Be careful of your step, don’t trip and fall.
Can you even lift your foot to move forward?
All eyes are bearing down on you, the weight’s on your shoulder;
Can you proudly bear the symbol of your people?
With pink triangle branded on forehead, walk!
Don’t try wiping that three-sided shape away;
You have it because you are one of the diseased,
because you’re nothing more than a chemical imbalance,
because you’ve been already denied entryway through Heaven’s doors;
So with pink triangle forged in destiny, walk!
You can try and cover it up
with your clothes, with what you wear;
but there’s no changing these shoes,
and there’s no changing your body;
This thin body of mine gets me labeled already,
And when I speak people judge me then and there,
Just by the way I look, just by the way I sound;
There is no wiping this three-sided shape away.
And that is all people seem to see,
this pink triangle;
still I walk in these shoes,
and that is what makes me stronger than you.

And can you imagine what it feels like to run in these worn and weary shoes?
Many times I’ve tried running away from my shadow,
finding  that I could only hide in shadows themselves;
but no one can live in darkness, and thus I’ve been forced
to live in the open, out in the light, exposed to everyone;
Count my insecurities, I find many
yet none that no one could ever understand;
Once I was at the park, and a group of children walked up to me
and with curious faces, asked about my shoes;
I told them they were the shoes of a lavender rhinoceros
and revolted the toddlers ran away from me, pointing at me
calling me a monster
calling me a monster
giving me disgusted faces
calling me a monster
and what could I do but run away, too
I ran, not knowing where I was going
just trying to get away from this monster;
now holding hatred of mirrors
for fear of the behemoth I’d see in them.
You try running in these shoes!
when all it feels like is circles you’re running,
going nowhere, trying to escape damnation
I learned the hard way I can’t run from myself;
I’m just lucky
that, unlike some of my six-colored brethren,
I have somewhere I can stop running from once;
a place I can actually call home.

I dare you to wear these shoes on a Valentine’s Day;
Look around you,
Everywhere you see Romeos and Juliets,
Jacks and Roses,
Lancelots and Guineveres,
Adams and Eves;
A rose for everyone but you;
I’ve fallen in love when I didn’t want to,
And it’s not easy to land on my feet with shoes like these,
to stand back up after descending from a cliff;
From the ledge he pushed me off,
But he didn’t even know;
And with affections I’ve harbored away and kept secrets,
I was washed away in the tides
He didn’t even need to give me rejection,
I already knew it wasn’t meant to be,
for Cupid is a cruel winged beast for me;
Quietly I slipped back into darkness, running away once more;
he’d never know, he’d never know
that the Valentine Graham was from me
and nor would he care, nor would he care
who would ever want to love a monster?
On a Valentine’s Day,
no one has a pair of shoes that matches mine.

There’s so much I would give to wear someone else’s shoes;
but they always seem to big, or too small
and the only shoes that seem to fit are these damned pair;
and still I have walked,
still I have ran,
still I have surrendered my rainbow heart unwillingly
In these shoes that no one else wants,
In these shoes that only fit me,
I have become strong
stronger than you could even imagine
and I will never toss these beautiful shoes away.

(via plushiemikey)

(Unknown Date; based off William Carlos Williams’ poem, “This Is Just To Say”.)

This is just to say
When I finally see my world slip away,
When my moments with you are running short,
When I didn’t hold your hand to the end
When I’m falling, and you can’t catch me

Forgive me;
for I can hold on only for so long
for I can flee fate only for so long
for I can be there only for so long
I can’t defy the creed of gravity
for it was the weight of your love
That made me say so long, so long…